Letters Concerning Many Degrees of Meatheadedness
by Sarralyn Numairsra
Summary: This is a fic about Dom and Neal, Dom while he is training to be a soldier, and Neal while he is a page, written by Sarralyn Numairsri and arianna99 by playing the Letter Game. Neal is arianna99, and Dom is Sarralyn Numairsri. Read and review!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: All right...so, basically--this is Tamora Pierce's, not arianna99's or mine, so you can't sue us now, HA!**

Dear Dom,

Hello, I greet thee from the ranks of the palace pages. Feel honored that I am taking the time to write to you. That maniac who deigns to call himself "Training Master" is most definitely sent directly from the Graveyard Hag.

As you see, I have once again outwitted you- I am sure you do not know who the Graveyard Hag is. She's the Carthaki national Goddess, daughter of the Black God. Daine recently told me about her encounters with her about two years ago. She says it's one of the events leading up to the war just passed. Speaking of which, how are Aunt and Uncle? I heard of a centaur attack on Masbolle.

On to brighter prospects. I heard of a girl coming to the palace to train as a knight. Some newly ennobled fief or other. At any rate, I think it's a wonderful idea- very emancipated. Unfortunately, Lord I-Have-A-Stick-Up-My-Rear-End Wyldon disagrees. He has decided to put the new girl on probation. For a whole year. If he is not satisfied, she will be kicked out. Which means, in basis, that he will let her hang around for a year and then tell her to go home. Poor child.

He has also told the Lioness that she must keep out of it. The Lioness, as you can imagine, was not delighted. I believe she has quit the palace and refuses to come back for quite a while. And I have extra duty for two weeks for remarking on the fact that it is hardly fair that the first female page should be treated this way after there being a law made stating that it was allowed.

I'm afraid my lord Wyldon has all the understanding of a tree stump. He glared at me and called me insubordinate. Ah yes, the fun of being a page. That amounts to the 47th time he has said that I am insubordinate since spring. And don't you dare call it pathetic that I keep count.

So how goes it with the third company? Still enjoying the common warrior's life? A thing I feel I have to ask about: What will you do when you marry? Aunt and Uncle will hardly accept it if you don't, and you know it.

Now I will rub under your nose that as a page, I get to whack at things half the day and actually learn useful things the other half. I will get much more money then you. And I will be famous, carrying on the name of the Queenscove knights. I will receive the glory of upholding the Queenscove line, which, by the by, is the line with the second most amount of knights, less only than the Naxens. I feel it is my duty to uphold it.

Of course, Father thought I was crazy when I made this decision, as did Mother, as did Daine. Daine looked at me with that skeptical look of hers, the one that makes her eyes sparkle.

Have I ever told you about her eyes? They are indeed very unique, a grey-blue like a stormy sea. Quite matching with her hair, a somewhat smoky shade of brown, and curled beautifully. I will never, ever understand why she stays with Numair. He is much too old, much too odd and much too distracted for her. He's her teacher for heavens sake!

Well, enough admitted to you about my highly private affairs, feel honored for my writing to you,

Neal

**AN: This chapter was written by arianna99, so if you have anything particular you'd like to say, PM her about it.**

**Please, please, please review! Please?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: If you really feel that you simply MUST read a disclaimer--go back to chapter one and read the one there.**

Dear Meathead,

I'm sure I feel oh-so-honored that you are writing to me, your palace pageness. But knowing Wyldon, you probably don't have much time for sleeping, let alone writing--so maybe I will feel honored after all.

And, my dear Meathead, I _do_ know who the Graveyard Hag is, however surprising that may seem to you. Numair visited a couple of months ago to check on something he had arranged around here a few years ago, and of course, Daine came with him.

As to your, ahem, painfully obvious, shall we say, "liking" for Daine and, as a result, disliking of Numair-perhaps, just perhaps, she stays with him because she loves him? Just a passing thought there…

Since we're on that subject, I really have no idea what I'm going to do about marriage. Most likely Mother and Father (who are quite well, by the way. The centaur attack was successfully quelled without loss of life, thank the gods.) will arrange one for me, when the time comes.

Having said that, I don't especially like the idea of arranged marriages, though; I believe that, when two people marry, they should love each other, even though most people seem to almost expect a loveless marriage. At least, if I must have an arranged marriage, let it be to some healthy, robust girl rather than those delicate, fainting types they always seem to have at court.

Yes, I heard about the new girl: I think her name's Keladry, of Mindelan, though I'm not sure. You'll probably know more about her soon enough.

Personally, I think it was unfair of Wyldon to demand the girl Keladry to be put on probation and of the king to allow it, especially after that law they passed said nothing about probation whatsoever. I can see why the Lioness would be so infuriated; after all, she became a knight, and she's a girl, and she never had to be put on probation. The thing is, most likely what Wyldon's thinking is that this will be some shirking wallflower type-- but the shirking wallflower type would never want to become a knight, so it would be safe to assume that this girl is definitely not a girly type. Anyways, enough on that topic.

All in all, I'm glad you told Wyldon what you though, even if it did earn you two weeks of extra duty (I know, I know-- I'm not the one doing it, so how should I know? I'm still glad you did it, though.). When the girl Keladry arrives, perhaps you can volunteer to be the one to show her around and all. You know that if you don't, Joren or someone will, and that would definitely not bode well for the poor girl.

Except for the centaur attack, things have been pretty quiet here in Masbolle. I'm liking the soldier's life reasonably well--at the moment. You caught me at a good time. If you had asked me the same question the day before, I would've told you to do like Wyldon and shove a stick up your rear end.

Hope you'll still like being a page in two weeks,

Dom

P.S. I won't call your obsession with how many times Wyldon has called you insubordinate anything; I shall simply say that that is just like the Meathead I know.

AN: Thanx to all the lovely reviewers! Oh, and I feel like I just HAVE to reply to music nerd's review: Yes, we DID learn about the Letter Game from "Sorcery & Cecilia", and we both really liked the book. Have you read the sequel, "The Grand Tour," yet? And speaking of sequels…there's going to be a third book, called "The Mislaid Magician: or Ten Years After." I think it comes out this fall or something. Also--I speak Mandarin, so I could probably help you with your story if you needed it.

Sarralyn wrote this chapter, so you can just say whatever you want in the reviews instead of PMing her.

REVIEW!


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: -yawn- Go to the beginning of chapter two.**

Dear Domhead (Despite what you may think, that does count as an insult),

Thank you for your advice on the subject of Keladry of Mindelan (I can't believe I'm actually saying this). I am indeed her sponsor now. You must be having a lucky streak, because you were right on the subject of Joren as well- he did indeed try to sponsor Kel, but for once Lord Ever-since-I-got-my-face-slashed-up-I-am-holier-than-thou, or as I like to call him, the Stump, made the right decision by deciding that I could sponsor her and Joren couldn't, as Joren needed to concentrate on his studies.

Now, before I tell you about Kel's arrival and settling in, however scintillating my narrative may be, I feel the need to berate you on your sense of women.

What is wrong with you! (Besides the obvious things, I mean) The women at court, though perhaps weak physically, are counted as some of the most beautiful in Tortall! And the Queen's ladies are by no means delicate or fainting.

Besides, not all of court women are as feeble as you make them (Although several of them are. Lady Mistia decided to have a fainting attack yesterday, forcing the whole evening program out of whack). Take, for example, merely in comparison, Daine, who is an example of female beauty but also a hero of war. Not that I am implying I would dare say anything of the like to her, she is hopelessly taken. While I salvage my wounded pride, I shall continue telling you about Kel.

Now, where was I? Oh yes. Well, for the third time in that last letter, you were right about something, which amazes me to no end. Have your employers been feeding you potions? Did one of those centaurs stomp on your head? (Speaking of which, please give my regards to Aunt and Uncle and say that I am pleased that everything went well)

Anyhow, correct. Kel is by no means the shirking wallflower type. She is quite large and muscular for her age and does not exactly fit any descriptions of beauty, but she does have some potential (meant purely platonically. My heart is taken). Although I suppose that's exactly the sort of thing you shouldn't care about if you're a lady knight. She was brought up mainly in the Yamani Isles, and has a good deal of combat training. Unfortunately she also has a tendency to hide her feelings, which is slightly disconcerting at times. I would hazard a guess that she has a very strong character, however reclusive. Which is not the only thing that is strong about her- on the first day of lessons, she knocked over a Shang warrior. Unfortunately, she also makes me eat vegetables. She says they're good for me. She is lucky to have made a good first impression on Prince Roald- most likely because she can help the poor boy understand the Yamanis (Why are his parents marrying him off anyway? Sure, politics, but they married out of love).

Unfortunately for her, but predictable, not many people like her, considering the fact that she is a girl. Also, she is better with weapons and at lessons than most of them. It's like they never heard of the lioness (Well, maybe their parents, being the conservative fatheads they are, may not have mentioned her, but I can just see Joren's parents turning the castle inside out, out of rage for such a progressive act. Although it is actually conservative, considering the fact that there used to be female warriors).

While on the subject of Kel, might I note that the Stump decided it was insubordinate of me to sponsor Kel for whatever reason his twisted brain came up with. (49 and rising). You know, I get the funny feeling he doesn't like me overly much. I wonder why (That is not an invitation for you to tell me). I feel the need to agree with you once more, but please make sure your next letter has less truth in it, otherwise it will go straight to your head. Arranged marriages are not exactly something I would enjoy either. I would much rather marry out of love (sigh). Thankfully, as of yet, I am too young to marry. You should have become a knight. Then you could wait until you are a full knight till you marry, and usually you can pick the bride yourself (Yes, I did have to brag about becoming a knight again. You give me the perfect opportunities).

Please excuse the amount of parentheses in this letter,

Neal (NOT that silly childish name concerning a type of food and a body part seemingly empty in your case)

P.S. If you are wondering at the sheer amount of this letter, don't. I'm supposed to be cleaning weapons right now, but I am obviously not.

**AN: arianna99 wrote this chapter, so if you have anything specific to say, PM her about it.**

**Just remember--REVIEW!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: All right...so, basically--this is Tamora Pierce's, not arianna99's or mine, so you can't sue us now, HA!**

Dear Meathead(what, you can't eat or say "meat" now either? And if you think _my_ head's empty, then I shudder to think at what the state of your head must be),

See--I told you so. Ha. However, to make up for that "I told you so," I will say that I rather like your name for Wyldon--the Stump suits him to perfection, from what the rumors report. And you don't especially want to know what the rumors report. And if you do, I am not going to tell you anyway.

There is nothing wrong with me. (Rather, I believe there is something wrong with you.) I simply prefer someone who, even if she is not classically beautiful, can ride, run, etc., not someone who is ravishingly beautiful but is an absolute pansy. Like your Lady Mistia, for example. I have no idea what she looks like, but even if she is amazingly stunning, I wouldn't go near her with a ten-foot pole.

I think Father and Mother have started their search for, as they said, "a suitable bride." (I roll my eyes.) Or rather, to be more specific, Mother has started. Today was the first come-on-let's-show-you-off-Dom ball, and I hated it. I nearly fell asleep while they were parading everyone in front of me. Not a single interesting one among them, I'm sorry to say. I was seated next to Lady Taela of Somewhere during dinner, and she babbled incessantly the whole time. Next time, I believe I shall take the precaution of wearing earplugs. And planning an escape route ahead of time, or else I swear by Mithros my brain will explode.

Needless to say, Mother was not pleased when I told her all the girls were pansies. However, as there are still a number of years to go before I _must_ marry, she is still hopeful. Unfortunately.

Kel sounds very interesting. That is to say, she seems like the kind of person who would have a lot to offer, and would be, ah, good for you. Like your vegetables. No one likes vegetables, but they are still good for you. Eat them, Meathead.

…

Hey, you know, maybe I should start calling you Vegetablehead. I think Kel would like it, would she not?

I haven't heard of the Yamani Isles much. It's said that they have a completely different culture, and are savages, etc., but as most rumors are very much inflated, I've been taking it with a barrel of salt. More.

Did anything significant happen last week? The rumors were reporting something, but it was very, very vague, so I have no idea what it actually was.

PS Do not worry, I did not take your wondering why Wyldon doesn't like you as an invitation to tell you why; I took it as a command.

PPS Perhaps the Stump does not like you because you are just you? (Regard it as just another facet of your, ah, wonderful personality.)

Dom

AN: Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed last time! hands out cookies and cupcakes Oh, and music nerd--I can read a couple words, but some of the other ones I can't see. Are you using Simplied or Traditional? (Because I only know Traditional.) And yeah, I can usually sound out pinyin. I can't write it, though.

And, once again, my annoying call--REVIEW:D


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: -yawn- Go to the beginning of chapter four.**

Dear Dom,

Oh, you poor, put-upon little dear, having to sit ALL NIGHT with a beautiful lady. How you can bear it, I do not know. It is indeed the worst punishment known to man. (Why your parents would want to show you off is beyond me, though. Any more rampaging wild animals spotted in the vicinity of your humble abode? Or did the sight of you chase them all off?)

And as to your remark, my head can hardly be worse than yours if even you admit I use it to think.

Anyhow. Continuing on the vein of your abominable taste in all things female, why, precisely, if you have such distaste for those more delicate types of ladies, do you have a reputation as a court flirt? Don't deny you enjoy a pretty face just like the next fellow. After all, no being that is male could resist anything so tantalizingly beautiful that she makes him want to stroke back her smoky curls and stare into her stormy eyes…

Ahem. Got a bit carried away there. So, where was I? Oh yes. No wonder Aunt was so upset at you! You, my dear cousin, are the courts leading flirt! Why, I heard Lady Mistia proclaim the other day you had bowed to her and picked up her handkerchief quite gallantly. (This was accompanied by various proclamations of your overall handsomeness which I refuse to repeat) Her retellings let loose a flood of stories that succeeded in portraying you as the greatest flirt ever to set foot within the palace gates. And that's saying something, if you take a look at some people around here, Numair for instance. I mean, not to criticize, but he must have had a million of the looser women at court in his bed before Daine, and she's so young and innocent. A man like Numair will tire of her quickly.

Went off on another tangent there, didn't I? Ah well. That's life. (Or maybe it's just me.)

And thank you, I always knew I was brilliant. Although nicknames may not be my strongest point. And you needn't treat me like a baby, I can very well bear rumors concerning Milord Stick-up-the-rear-end Wyldon. (55 by now, I didn't know it was possible to be insubordinate for nodding. Well, I suppose if you nod because the cook just told Wyldon it's his fault Lady Alanna left the palace…oh, whatever)

Kel would love "Vegetablehead," which is precisely the reason I will never, ever tell her about it, just like I will never tell anyone about "Meathead." It's too degrading. Not the names, mind you. That my dignity can still bear. It is the fact that I have not yet thought up a sufficient comeback. Anyhow. Kel would probably tease me mercilessly about such things. (Having a flirt for a cousin, etc., etc.) Kel seems to have joined me on my grudge against my Lord stump, which I find refreshing after seeing so many people cower in fear before him. She also seems to have taken a personal grudge against Joren (No blaming her). She even attacked the poor boy. (And I say poor boy, since he's the one who came off with no license to see the healer, not having any broken bones) And you know what she told me? You know what she said? She said, "I didn't like the shape of his nose." How dare she?

Anyhow, I saw you in the yards, on our first day of jousting. I presume you didn't want to talk to the friend of the girl who nearly got thrown from her horse. (Another of Kel's misadventures) So I'm guessing you escaped from Aunt and Uncle before they decided to plague you with the female population. (Note the sarcasm)

I realize you don't know much about anything, therefore I can't expect you to know anything at all about the Yamani Isles, as a common soldier in the kings own, no less. As for your assumptions on the subject of the Stump, keep them to yourself. He is vocal enough regarding his dislike for me.

Neal

P.S.: Would you like me to send a guard to protect you from the evils of the world of delicate, fainting ladies?

**AN: Review:D**

**Also, to music nerd--Well, I'm half Taiwanese, so I learned it the traditional way. Hong Kong does that too. I can read most of the characters, but the ones with a lot of strokes, I can't see very clearly. glares at computer**

**arianna99 wrote this chapter, so PM her if you have something you really want to say.**


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